THE FORMATIVE YEARS
SETTING — Bedroom.
CHARACTERS — FATHER and MOTHER. Young parents-to-be.
AT RISE — FATHER and MOTHER are in bed, their hands on MOTHER’s very pregnant belly.
FATHER: So, Harvard, definitely.
MOTHER: Oh, without question.
FATHER: We need to figure out his extracurriculars now.
MOTHER: Or her extracurriculars.
FATHER: You’re right. Okay, one thing at a time. Let’s parse this step by step, otherwise we’re going to get overwhelmed.
MOTHER: Good plan.
FATHER: Harvard has a preschool program; that could be an excellent “in.”
MOTHER: She... or he... could make connections there.
FATHER: Exactly. Valuable connections. And so early on.
MOTHER: And then we can’t slouch. Elementary, middle, and high school all need to be just as good.
FATHER: Or better.
MOTHER: This is going to cost a lot of money.
FATHER: We’re going to need better jobs.
MOTHER: The best jobs.
FATHER: But you’ll be staying home for the first year, naturally.
MOTHER: Absolutely not.
FATHER: Are you kidding me? There is so much research about the effects of breast milk on cognitive ability.
MOTHER: Pump and dump, baby.
FATHER: Disgusting. What about early development? The first five years are so key.
MOTHER: True. We can’t afford a single misstep. We’ll hire the best nanny.
FATHER: We’ll vet her very carefully.
MOTHER: Full background check.
FATHER: Background, health, pedigree, ancestry... We can’t afford to take any risks with that one. One small inconsistency...
MOTHER: The trauma will multiply and echo forward for years.
FATHER: Generations.
MOTHER: What do you think about early therapy? Just as a preventative measure?
FATHER: I think we’re idiots for not thinking of that much sooner. That way...
MOTHER: Insurance policy in case there’s anything we missed. Exactly.
FATHER: And we’ll have to vet him or her just as carefully.
MOTHER: More carefully. Our failsafe must be foolproof.
FATHER: Yeah. Oh god. This is terrifying. What if there’s something we can’t plan for?
MOTHER: Stop that right now. If we’re careful, and execute this exactly according to plan, that will never happen.
FATHER: Okay. Okay. So discipline.
MOTHER: We can’t be too harsh. She or he will grow up needing to seek permission everywhere.
FATHER: But we can’t be too lax either. No one likes an undisciplined child.
MOTHER: Undisciplined or entitled. But where is the line?
FATHER: We need to do much more reading on this.
MOTHER: Consult the experts.
FATHER: All of them.
MOTHER: And we’ll need to establish a trust fund.
FATHER: But not tell him or her that there is one.
MOTHER: Until she or he has learned to thrive without privilege.
FATHER: But won’t he or she realize that they are different?
MOTHER: Not if we screen all of their friends.
FATHER: Yes. No artists.
MOTHER: Absolutely no artists. Not one.
FATHER: Which means screening the parents first.
MOTHER: Oh god. Yes.
FATHER: All these people who will influence our child... This private investigator has to be the absolute best.
MOTHER: But how will we screen the private investigator?
FATHER: Oh. Shit.
MOTHER: Shit.
Long beat. MOTHER removes the pillow from underneath her shirt.
MOTHER (cont.): We’re not ready yet.
FATHER: We are absolutely not ready.
MOTHER: But someday.
FATHER: Eventually. After we’ve isolated all the variables.
MOTHER: Yes. Once we’ve done that.
FATHER: Then it will be perfect.
MOTHER: I’m really looking forward to that.
FATHER (smiles): Me too.
They kiss. Turn out lights.
END OF PLAY