SETTING – A bedroom on a military base.
CHARACTERS – HER, career military. Officious-minded but with a secret rebellious streak. HIM, slightly younger, enlisted military. Rebellious-minded but with a secret earnest streak.
At rise, HIM and HER lie together in bed, sated. She’s pondering something. After several beats, abruptly:
HER
We were sitting too close together.
HIM
What…?
HER
Today. At the meeting?
HIM
We were sitting together. What about it was too close?
HER
It looked suspicious. Maybe you didn’t notice, but the room went your boss, chair, my boss, chair, me, you, chair.
HIM
So sitting next to each other is too close.
HER
Yes. And you kept touching me.
HIM
Well, yeah. You were right there. I like touching you.
HER
Not at work you don’t.
HIM
This may come as some surprise, but—
HER
Just… Do not touch me at work. You know what I mean. Do not sit right next to me. Do not make private jokes in large groups.
HIM
Fine then. Don’t look so sexy. And stop giving me mischievous looks.
HER
What mischievous looks?
HIM
You’re doing it right now!
HER
That’s just my face!
HIM
See above re: sexy.
HER
You honestly don’t think it’s a problem that we sat together during a meeting with our direct supervisors?
HIM
No. I really don’t. We are in a relationship, are we not?
HER
A secret relationship. You’re having trouble with my words today.
HIM
It only looks suspicious to us because we know that we get naked after hours. They don’t.
HER
After today they probably do.
HIM
How?
HER
I don’t know. It’s probably all over our faces.
HIM
Kinky.
HER
(hitting him with a pillow)
Don’t be disgusting!
HIM
It’s not like we’d lose our jobs.
HER
I am an officer on this base.
HIM
So it’s not like I’d lose my job…
HER
They call this fraternizing, you know.
HIM
Do they. Are you feeling… “fraternal” right now?
HER
You’re like a teenager.
HIM
Yes, and I’m hot for teacher.
HER
I’m serious. I could lose my position here.
HIM
I have a few more for you if—
HER
Would you listen to me!
HIM
I am. Look. I really don’t think they noticed or would care. And if they did… screw it. It’s just a job. Right?
HER
No, it’s not. This is my career.
HIM
But… this is us.
HER
You’re not seriously asking me to choose.
HIM
Of course I’m not. It would be ridiculous and completely unfair.
(beat)
But what if I were?
HER
I went to college for four years and then through twelve weeks of OCS to do what I do here. I’ve known you for nine months. Come on.
HIM
If you’d fallen in bed with me the day we met, we could be parents as of today.
HER
You are ridiculous.
HIM
Don’t your responsibilities as a mother mean anything to you?
HER
Oh, god. Please don’t even joke about this. There is no way. Not with—… Not now.
HIM
Not with me…?
HER
That’s not what I said.
HIM
No, I get it. It’s cool. Only the semen of a college man does it for you.
HER
Oh my god! What is wrong with you!
HIM
I just want to know if my little guys could get in with an Associate’s, or if it has to be a Bachelor’s degree at least.
HER
Is this a discussion we’re actually having?
HIM
Master’s?
HER
Come on.
HIM
Doctorate? I mean, I can do it, but it’s gonna take some time.
HER
I don’t plan to have kids.
HIM
Now you tell me. You’re due any day, you know.
HER
I’m serious.
HIM
Never?
HER
It’s not like there’s a population problem. No one but my parents will grieve the passing of my final egg.
HIM
Ew.
HER
So “semen” is okay, but “egg” is too far?
HIM
Egg is okay if I say it.
HER
Right.
HIM
So you don’t think you’d change your mind if you met the right guy?
HER
Hasn’t happened yet.
HIM
Changed your mind or—?
HER
Either.
HIM
(beat)
There really is only so much abuse a guy can take. I’m extremely sensitive, you know.
HER
I knew there was something different about you…
HIM
Heteroperceptive, they call it.
HER
I’m so glad there’s a name for it. That must be a relief.
(she begins putting her clothes back on)
HIM
I can’t even tell you. You’re going?
HER
Top secret high-ranking officer stuff. You wouldn’t understand.
HIM
Too true.
HER
Are you actually mad or just kidding? I can never tell.
HIM
I’m not mad. I’m just in love with you and tired of pretending that I’m not.
HER
(unsettled)
Well hey now.
HIM
Sorry. Was that too earnest?
HER
There’s a bit of heart on your sleeve, yeah.
HIM
Geez, yeah. I wonder how that got on there.
HER
You’re in love with me?
HIM
Only a little. Do you…
HER
…I have very much enjoyed our time together.
HIM
I can definitely see why. It has been very enjoyable. But you don’t…
HER
I do have feelings for you.
HIM
Positive feelings?
HER
I would characterize them as positive, yes. But I’m not ready to drop the L bomb.
HIM
“The L bomb.”
HER
Are you okay?
HIM
Ma’am, yes ma’am.
HER
We can talk about this later, okay? I’m going to be late.
HIM
Absolutely. It’s just—…
HER
What?
HIM
Nothing. I think you’re right, by the way.
HER
Good. About what?
HIM
We were sitting too close together.